Overheard

C: Hey, Mr. French are you in a good mood today? Mr. French: Yeah, sure, why not? C: Well, if you aren't you should think of trees. My therapist told me yesterday if I'm sad to close my eyes and think about trees, because they make you happy. I think trees are ugly, though.

Sunday Funnies

Guess Mommy's Never Seen a Real Woman Woman to friend: Look at that woman. She so fat, we should call Greenpeace to roll her back in the ocean. Little girl passing by fat woman: My mommy says Greenpeace should roll you back into the ocean! --Zandvoort, Netherlands Overheard by: Linda via Overheard at the Beach, Feb 22, 2007 I Especially Like the 'Wave' Effect Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice! Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time. --Caroga Lake, New York Overheard by: Willie COol via Overheard at the Beach, Jan 26, 2007 The Answer Is Sedimentary, My Dear Watson Bimbette looking up at cliff face: Hey, do rocks eat other rocks? Guy: ... Huh? Bimbette: Do rocks eat other rocks? You know, so that they can grow into bigger rocks... Guy: Are you serious? No, rocks do not eat other rocks. Bimbette: Then, like... How do they get bigger? Guy: [Silence.] Bimbette: Like, what do they eat? --Merewether Beach, Newcastle, Australia via Overheard at the Beach, Feb 6, 2007 Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square? Ghetto dude: This is Times Square. Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square. Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square. Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square? Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it. Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man. Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck. --42nd & Broadway via Overheard in New York, Jul 23, 2007

Sunday Funnies

I Do Not Like War Stories with Contusions/I Do Not Like Myriad Literary Allusions Chick: Have you ever read Catch 22? Guy: Was it written by Dr. Seuss? Chick: No. Guy: Then no. --Pace University Overheard by: Hugh via Overheard in New York, Oct 6, 2007 Fucking Metrosexuals Ruin My Mocking Buzz Pointing hobo: Your zipper! Hahaha! Whitey: It's a button fly. Hobo: Goddamn. Second time today... --Flushing & Portland, Navy Yard, Brooklyn via Overheard in New York, Oct 6, 2007 Someone's Getting the Teeth Tonight Girl: ... And then I was like-- Guy, exhausted after 10 minutes of her chattering: --Are you on your knees? Girl: What? No. Guy: Then shut your mouth. --A train Overheard by: thinking the same via Overheard in New York, Oct 6, 2007 4PM After Luring and Shooting It Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body. 100 West 33rd Street New York, New York Overheard by: C-Rizzy via Overheard in the Office, Oct 4, 2007 And Then She Loses Jewelry! Girl to friend: Oh my god, the Titanic was so sad. Her true love is poor, and then he dies. --Crane Beach, Massachusetts via Overheard at the Beach, Oct 3, 2007

Sunday Funnies

I Know, Right? 20-something to friend: ... And she said, 'Twenty dollars? She offered me 20 dollars for bills after staying with me for a whole month? I'd wipe my ass with that 20-dollar bill!' Hobo: One 20-dollar bill ain't enough for that huge ass! --23rd & 5th via Overheard in New York, Sep 30, 2007 Like Anyone Hears Anything Said on a Cell Phone Jogging hoochie on cell: Yeah, I just touched down in Boston. No, I'm still in the airport waiting for my bag. Black guy: Don't believe her! She's in Atlantic City! --Central Park Overheard by: MaliceAlice via Overheard in New York, Sep 30, 2007 The Kind That Blind You When They Fall from the Sky? 20-ish girl seeing group of orthodox Jews walk by: Hey, look at all those Amish people! Oh, wait, are they Amish or acidic Jews? --8th & Bedford Overheard by: joe via Overheard in New York, Sep 29, 2007 A Very "Special" School Dad: It's all about the Benjamins? Son: Who's Benjamin? Dad: He's the president on the hundred dollar bill. He was the third president of the United States. You'd know that if you were in private school like I was. --Zuma Beach, Malibu, California Overheard by: Danielle via Overheard at the Beach, Sep 19, 2007

Overheard

Welcome to the first edition of Overheard in North Dallas Suburbs High...Let's see what the kids are talking about these days: Girl leaving the classroom after the bell rings: My butt smells! Mr. French: You know class, in France, there are over 370 different types of cheese! This means that you can eat a different type everyday and never repeat! Chipper student explaining snacks to her French class: Yeah, my grandmother is French. Every time we go to her house, she gives us snacks, but it's always cheese. I always get so constipated!

Sunday Funnies

You're Kind of Creeping Me Out Mom telling young son to hold her hand: I just love you so much I can't let go. Little boy: You don't have to love me that much. --Bethany Beach, Delaware Overheard by: local onlooker via Overheard at the Beach, Aug 17, 2007 I Believe You're Thinking of Your Marriage to Jennifer Guy: So, when did you guys get married? Husband: March. Wife, at same time: May. Husband: Uh-oh. --6 train via Overheard in New York, Aug 17, 2007 We're Holding Your Diploma Hunter student #1: So, are you a senior this year? Hunter student #2: Is senior when your supposed to graduate? Hunter student #1: Yes. Hunter student #2: Okay, then yeah, I'm a senior. --Hunter College Overheard by: Thomas via Overheard in New York, Aug 17, 2007

Sunday Funnies

But Not for Real Thug: Hey, man... You look like you're from California with that hair. Are ya? Guy with long blond hair: Yes, I am. Thug: How you like 'at? I been thinkin' about movin' out to California. Guy with long blond hair: It's great -- people are more real here in New York, though. I used to live in San Francisco, which is a great. Thug: Oh, how far is San Francisco from California? Guy with long blond hair: San Francisco is in California. Thug: Oh, what city is it in? Guy with long blond hair: San Francisco... Okay, this is my stop. --Manhattan-bound F train Overheard by: Dave S via Overheard in New York, Aug 6, 2007 ...And Added Some Strychnine To Her Birth Control Pills Pharmacist: You should probably re-sign your card. Woman: Why? Pharmacist: Well, you signed over the magnetic strip. You're supposed to sign over the white part down here. Woman: Then how would the machine read my signature? That doesn't make any sense. Pharmacist: No, it's a magnetic strip. It reads the information, not the signature. Woman: I don't think you know what you're talking about. That's not how the machines work. You're a pharmacist, not an electrician. Then the pharmacist gave up. --Zitomer, 76th & Madison Overheard by: Helena via Overheard in New York, Jul 13, 2006 You Can't Start Singing That Tune Too Early Conductor: This is West Fourth Street. Transfer is available to the A, C, E, F, and V trains. Four-year-old girl: Mommy, he doesn't sing his ABCs right. Mom: That's because he didn't go to college. --A train via Overheard in New York, Aug 10, 2007 Betsy Looks into the Funhouse Mirror B&T girl #1, about rowdy drunk lady who left car: Oh my god, that woman was on crack. B&T girl #2: I know, right?! B&T girl #1: She was, like, 40 years old and reeking of midlife crisis. --C train via Overheard in New York, Aug 10, 2007

Sunday Funnies

Just Hold It Like It's a Dead Raccoon Joking clerk to bitter man holding wife's purse: Nice purse. Man: Thanks. It came free with the relationship and subsequent castration. --Fashion Ave Overheard by: I think it was Dior via Overheard in New York, Jul 10, 2007 10AM Its Melody Is Semisweet Trainer: 'Charismatic.' That's onomatopoeic. Employee: What? Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say 'chocolate,' you can hear it. Fenkle Street Newcastle England Overheard by: Kaethe via Overheard in the Office, Jul 23, 2007 Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me! Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years! --Beach near Naples, Florida Overheard by: X via Overheard at the Beach, Jan 18, 2007 Knowledge Just Interferes with the Wonder of It All Chick #1: You can see Venezuela on a clear day from here. Chick #2: Really?! I would love to go to Venezuela -- I hear it's a really nice island. Chick #1: Um... Island as in South America...? Chick #2: It's right off of South America, right? Chick #1: I guess you should have paid attention in geography class. Chick #2: What does math have to do with it? --Aruba Overheard by: Erin from New York via Overheard at the Beach, Jul 2, 2007

Sunday Funnies

Unless It Involves Spirit Fingers... Pilot on PA: We'll be making our final descent to Oahu International Airport shortly. Blonde cheerleader: Oh my god! I thought we were going to Honolulu! 9-year-old boy nearby: Honolulu is the city on Oahu, you idiot. Blonde cheerleader: Oh... Well, how am I supposed to know that? --Plane to Hawaii Overheard by: Derek via Overheard at the Beach, Jan 23, 2007 Your Truck's More Like a Pair of Sears Tuffskins Fruity metro guy: My truck makes this crazy noise whenever I brake. Mechanic: What's the make of your truck, son? Fruity metro guy: White. Mechanic: No, son, the make. Fruity metro guy: Truck. Mechanic: The make, son, the make. Fruity metro guy: 1997. There, I've just told you everything I know about my truck. Mechanic: Who made your truck? Ford? Nissan? Fruity metro guy: Oh, you mean the brand. It's Ford. Mechanic: A truck ain't a pair of jeans, son. --Lower East Side Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus via We've Determined You Might Accidentally Eat a Key Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers? Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes. Chick: So, how much is it for an hour? Clerk: Ten dollars. Chick: No, it's not! Clerk: ... Yes, it is. Chick: No way! It's not! Stop lying! Clerk: You know what? You can't use the computers. Get out. --Computer cafe, 7th Ave, Park Slope Overheard by: Tech Monkey via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2007 I'm Rethinking the Joint Custody Arrangement Mother taking away son's boogie board: Enough, time to leave and go home. Young son: You don't deserve a child! --Sea Isle City, New Jersey Overheard by: Gaby Young via Overheard at the Beach, Jan 10, 2007

Funnies

3PM Thanks to Compressed-World Technology Receptionist #1: I can't believe I'll be in England next week. I think we might drive to Australia, too -- they have better beaches. Receptionist #2: Is that far? Receptionist #1: No, I think it's a two-hour drive from here. Grand Rapids, Michigan Overheard by: Not Even Kidding via Overheard in the Office, Jul 4, 2007

Sunday Funnies

12PM Trained Boll Weevils Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff? Assistant: There's one in the cabinet. Boss: Um, how do I get the holes? Assistant: What? Boss: How do the holes get in the paper? 3080 Broadway New York, New York via Overheard in the Office, May 2, 2007 Can I Have a Little Childhood, Here? A stray kitten wanders up to a little girl who bends down to pet it. Mom: Come on, sweetie, it's time to cross the street. Little girl, dismayed: But I'm petting the kitty. Mom: Honey, we need to go. Say bye-bye, now. Little girl: Goddammit, mommy, I'm petting the kitty! --17th & 6th via Overheard in New York, Apr 21, 2007 "Eccentric Town" to the Wealthier Residents Man: Do you know what station this is going to? Passenger #1: Crazy town! Passenger #2: [Nods.] Man: [Backs away slowly.] --Port Washington train, Penn Station Overheard by: Matt via Overheard in New York, Apr 8, 2007 Thanks for Clearing That Up California senator Barbara Boxer: Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank god I'm still alive!' But, of course, those who died -- their lives will never be the same again. via Celebrity Wit, May 3, 2007

Some Funny Kids...

Kassie needs a whoopin' Funny how much kids imitate their parents

Good To Know!

Fortune Cookie seen at dinner last week: "You are not illiterate". Yep. That's all it said.

Sunday Funnies

Lee Harvey Oswald, Acting Alone Catholic pre-K teacher: On Good Friday bad men killed Jesus and he died. Four-year-old boy: Who killed Jesus?! I will kill him with my gun! --Queens Catholic Elementary School Overheard by: Sophia via Overheard in New York, Mar 31, 2007 Pssst! -- I Think He Means "Beef Cheeks" Chipotle guy: What kind of meat? Asian customer: Wedgie. Chipotle guy: What kind? Asian customer: Wedgie. Chipotle guy: What kind of meat do you want? Asian customer: Wedgie! Chipotle guy: Spiced pork? Asian customer: Vegetable! --Chipotle, 23rd & 6th Overheard by: I just wanted chicken via Overheard in New York, Mar 31, 2007 Good Thing You're Pretty Little girl #1 looking at Manhattan Mini Storage poster: Do you know what 'suburb' means? Little girl #2: Sunburns? Little girl #1: Suburbs. 'Stuck in the suburbs.' They're boring. See that guy in his underwear? His house is in the suburbs. Little girl #2: Sunburns? --N train Overheard by: LSB via Overheard in New York, Mar 30, 2007 4PM And Type with the Other Hand Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing. New York, New York Overheard by: i LOVE my job via Overheard in the Office, Mar 29, 2007 2PM That Was Meant to Be More of a Roar Coworker #1: I'm like a shark. Rawr. Rawr. Coworker #2: Sharks don't growl. 15 East 16th Street New York, New York via Overheard in the Office, Mar 30, 2007

Sunday Funnies

Stop Licking Him -- You Don't Know Where He's Been! Six-year-old to guy stranger while hiding behind mother on cell: Hi. 20-something guy: Hello... Six-year-old, grabbing guy's hand: Hi. 20 something guy, confused: Hello... Six-year-old to mom: I picked one! Mom: You picked what? No! I told you that you could pick out the stamps, not a person! Put him back! --Post office Overheard by: Put back via Overheard in New York, Mar 10, 2007 10AM But Possibly a Can of Soup Cashier: Wow, you're pregnant! Customer: Yep, that's what they tell me. Cashier: Well, it looks like you're having a boy... or a girl. Definitely a boy or a girl. Customer: Uh... Grocery store Denver, Colorado Overheard by: Ryan via Overheard in the Office, Mar 9, 2007 4PM He Can Be Ready in 60 Seconds Teacher: Can you tell me what states I might find on the West coast of the United States? Student: The big one on the bottom. Mexico is part of the United States. Teacher: No, that is wrong. Mexico is a country, try again. Student: Look, my parents live here and they said we're American and they came from Mexico. It's part of the United States. Teacher: I am telling you, you are wrong. Mexico is a country -- it has its own government. Student: Look, if it was its own country then why is everyone just walking over here? That's what I did and I'm still here. Another student pulls out cell: Not for long. School, Desert Marigold Lane Las Vegas, Nevada via Overheard in the Office, Mar 9, 2007

Sunday Funnies

Usually There's a Gruelling Application Process Queer: I am not paying for the appetizer, because it came out at the same time as our entree and it should have come out before. Ghetto waitress: You have to pay for it, because I brought it out. Queer: Well, when you don't get money for it don't be alarmed! Ghetto waitress: You're lucky you even got your food! --Diner, 51st & 9th Overheard by: Rich via Overheard in New York, Feb 9, 2007 They Just Connected All the Indian Burial Grounds Teen girl #1: So, which did they build first, the subway or the city? Teen girl #2: What? Teen girl #1: Well, the subway looks real old, like it was built in the 1900s or something. Back then, there was no city. Teen girl #2: Oh... Good question... --R train Overheard by: Alicia via Overheard in New York, Feb 10, 2007 And Feet Hobo falls asleep on hipster girl and breathes in her face -- she gags. Hipster friend: What's wrong? Hipster girl: I just saw hell, and it smells like Taco Bell. --4 train Overheard by: I could smell it too via Overheard in New York, Feb 10, 2007 Once the Boys Were Brought to the Yard, It Was All Downhill from There Father: So, what did you guys do at Timmy's* sleepover? Boy: I don't really remember... We had one too many milkshakes. --1 train via Overheard in New York, Feb 17, 2007

Raymond

I neither liked nor watched "Everybody Loves Raymond" the 10 years or so that it was on tv, and I think I am in the minority. The small parts I did watch were, dare I say, trite and mind-numbing. Recently while watching a commercial, there was a clip commercial advertising "Raymond". It has been a while since something made me laugh out loud every time I saw it, in addition to any time the thought of that certain thing crossed my mind. Raymond did it, and did it well. I don't know the characters nor the situation, but Raymond's parents were arguing, with his mother saying "I'm not just some trophy wife, you know!". His response: "What contest in Hell did I win!?" Classic.

Sunday Crabs!

Hysterical.

Sunday Funnies

The Buddha Was a Tough Kid to Raise Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard] Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself? --Union Square Overheard by: Miranda via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2006 1PM Sorry, Hermaphroditic Customer: What is the Happy Meal toy for boys this week? Employee: Oh, no ma'am, we don't have boy or girl toys this week -- they are bisexual. Customer: What?! McDonald's Santa Monica, California via Overheard in the Office, Jan 12, 2007 9AM While I'm a Cornell Grad White customer pointing at Filipino bag boy: Is he black, or is he white?! I just can't tell... Cashier: Um, he's Filipino. White customer: I don't care what religion he is, I just wanna know his race. Cashier: He's Filipino. White customer: No wonder you're just a cashier. Piggly Wiggly Farmville, North Carolina via Overheard in the Office, Jan 12, 2007

Sunday Funnies

After the First Time, She Swore She'd Never Be Caught Unprepared Bearded, earlocked rabbi jumping out of mitzvah mobile: You, you're Jewish -- come in and hear what we have to say. Shiksa: I'm not Jewish. Bearded, earlocked rabbi: Yes you are, I can tell. Your mother is Jewish. Shiksa: No one in my family is Jewish. Bearded, earlocked rabbi: Maybe no one in your family practices, but Jewish blood is strong, and I can tell you have it. Shiksa: Leave me alone or I'll throw bacon at you. --5th Ave via Overheard in New York, Jan 9, 2007 5PM Democracy Isn't the Answer to Everything Teacher: What's one-fifth of 15? Class, in unison: Five! Chicago, Illinois Overheard by: High school student, appalled via Overheard in the Office, Jan 10, 2007 2PM Why People Join AA Receptionist: I just can't get the song from Pinocchio out of my head. Marketing director: Funny what pops into your head on the first round. Receptionist, singing: I've got no strings to hold me back... Marketing director: Later on, when we're drinking, I'll tell you about the midgets. City Center Building Bellevue, Washington via Overheard in the Office, Jan 12, 2007 I'm Rethinking the Joint Custody Arrangement Mother taking away son's boogie board: Enough, time to leave and go home. Young son: You don't deserve a child! --Sea Isle City, New Jersey Overheard by: Gaby Young via Overheard at the Beach, Jan 10, 2007